just a blog

i believe i've talked about the fundamental difference before, but gosh, it's been such a long time since that notion bubbled into my head.

in summary, the fundamental difference sucks.

it's what causes religious conflicts, wars, family disputes, divorces, arguments in couples, petty quarrels, and the reason why people get angry with each other in general.

i hate getting angry.

i don't get angry often and would much rather prefer to be a stupid person who turns blind to the darkness of the world, ignore the injustice in this society, and be very happy living in my little kingdom of a few important persons.

there are not many people in this world i deem very important to me.

these people are the ones i'd do anything for, people i try hard to please, people towards which my tolerance threshold is exceptionally high, people i'd die for to save their lives.

okay the last one is extreme, but you get the idea.

and unfortunately, it is also these people who are able to hurt me the most. hurt as in really hurt, painfully *kabish* de hurt. and even more unfortunately, some of the persons in this bunch, are people who are more socially inclined, have a larger social circle, and hence there is no such notion as a "very important person" in the vocabulary, and everyone is treated fairly.

you know i don't usually talk about wishy washy stuff like getting hurt because it sounds damn stupid and gu niang.

but alas, me is human, and even though i'm evil, i do get upset too.

people important to me usually know who they are, because it's, well, damn obvious.

i never claim to be omnipotent.. i never say i'm always right.. heck, i don't even think i'm right much of the time, but whatever i do or say, i do it with the best of intentions, and i certianly don't mean to hurt anyone in any way, especially people important to me.

maybe i'm way too ineloquent, but it seems like i'm never able to phrase un-nice things in a nice way and whenever i try and talk about it, i get accused of "criticizing" or "judging".

a new high has been reached, and today, i was pretty amazed at hearing "always eat shit" and "else you'd have no friends".

and so i give up...

it's okay if we don't agree on certain things, which is very very very often, but sometimes, i feel very defeated when some things happen and i tell myself, just mind my own business and let other people do whatever they want..

are we only supposed to always say things that people like to hear? we can't say anything that might get on people's nerves?

the ah beng in me really wants to fight back and types out entire smses in an effort to bring forth what i really feel, but ends up pressing "back back back" all the way because again, we'll never agree on some things and if animosity is the only way out, i'd rather just keep quiet.

i believe i'm now in the same circumstances as my father. he is a damn strict father. his decisions are not always popular in the family. he makes them anyway, for our own good.

sometimes we know. sometimes we take some time to realize. sometimes we never know.

i almost always know, because i guess in the family, i know him best simply because we spend alot of time together and our characters are similar. maybe some would call it a "flawed character".

i know it hurts him alot when his concern is not appreciated.

i still remember a time when we were still little kids and my sister said something bad about my father in the room in secret, and my father passed by, heard it, and walked off.

that night, he stood by himself at the balcony alone for the entire night and then went out, probably to drink and reflect.

i believe he was very very hurt because like me, he has this few important persons in his life, and one of them has said unkind words about him. it has a very profound impact.

but i guess there is no use in trying to reflect. i tried. i tried seeing things from various angles. i get angry with myself, i try to examine what in the world is wrong.

i do not understand.

i simply do not understand what i have done wrong.

and again, i arrive at the conclusion that i should just not do anything. who am i to interfere anyway?

sometimes an sms is sent out, and i wish the reply would be one that shows that the other party knows what i'm thinking..

"yuan lai.. yuan lai he's doing it for my own good.. yuan lai ta zhen de dui wo hao..."

but no, what i often get will be rebukes.. accusations.. and recently, insults...

it's very ironic that i am always so smug and proud that two persons who are fundamentally entirely different could get along so damn well.

i guess i was wrong.