just a blog

i really didn't da pao!!

heng ka lau sai.

D+.

shit sia why are my studies so fucked up.

i also proved to myself once again that i generally only do better in modules that don't require mugging.

sometimes when you start blogging, you find you can't stop.

i always got alot of things i want to say one lah, that's why the blog is named lorlilorsor ma, but i'm always very lazy to type posts.

anyway, this is a pre-war-review of the exams that just passed.

aside from making me believe beyond a shadow of a shadow of a shadow of a doubt that i hate engin modules, i have also discovered a species of creatures that are really very interesting.

muggeralians.

yeah break it up and you get mugger-ah-lians.

you frequently find them lurking in the central library, and they're mostly from either science or arts.

their primary characteristics, first and foremost, is that they are damn chio.

you start wondering why they're not out partying and getting buaya-ed by disgusting chao buayas and you come to the realization that they are very dilligent and you get very impressed and their look of intense concentration on their faces really make you want to die.

after concentrating for a long long time, you might catch a glimpse of them looking up to their friends and mouthing words like "hen sian leh..." or just bursting into a very pretty smile and jio-ing their friends to go fill water or something.

soooo cute!!

in the case of the most hardcore muggeralians, they ask you to take care of their stuff for them, and when you ask them if they will take very long, because you are leaving soon, they reply "oh, no lah, just going to have a puff."

and you want to ask them "can i come along?" as you know that there is an unspoken camaraderie amongst smokers, but you are not a chao buaya, so you just meekly say "okay, no problem."

i don't know when i started being so fascinated by ah lians, but i suspect it must have been some time after i started reading godfather and being obssessed with evil but powerful people.

but ah lians are really damn cool.

not the typical ccb and knn ah lians on the streets of course. we are talking about high class lians. ah lians who are kind at heart. ah lians who have the discipline and resolve to do things they hate when it's necessary.

of course, i will probably get flamed by a whole bunch of people again for being such a tiko pek, but hello hello, this is a scientific analysis of the female behaviour okay, so don't anyhow say me.

and speaking of exams.

ta ma de.

results coming out soon.

amitabha.....

i better not da pao anything again arh!!!!!!!

was happily watching spiderman 3 and eating popcorn with rav4 when my eye got quite irritated.

so i very unwisely decided to remove my contacts and change to my spectacles without washing my hands. how ma fan is it to wash hands when you're in the middle of a movie??

so i very garang-ly reached for my eye with popcorn-stained fingers and removed the contacts with one fell swoop, after which my right eye hurt so much and tears started squirting out.

on hindsight, touching your eyes with dirty hands is stupid, and touching them with popcorn-stained fingers is very stupid, but hindsight is 20/20, and yes, me is really quite stupid.

rav4 started to ask me if i'm alright and the people behind me were probably wondering why this lunatic is crying while watching a show like spiderman.

i was not crying, dammit.

but it was really damn painful. my nose even started getting runny.

but me is strong, and after the movie, and 1 litre of tears, it started to feel better so i thought nothing of it.

so i went ahead and had a bout of overnight mahjong.

and as you, my smart reader must have guessed, i woke up in the morning after 2 hours of sleep going to brush my teeth with only one eye open.

and i had to give my duty away because one-eye jacks aren't supposed to do duty.

very pathetically, and half awake, poor me went to take bus all alone to clementi clinic see doctor.

this reminded me of the time in ns when i kena super deep cut above my eye and i took bus gu ling ling go clinic see doctor, then everyone around me like very stressed see one bleeding person trying to cover his bloody wound at the head so ke lian waiting to see doctor.

back to the present.

ta ma de the clinic was damn full.

but i think when i walked in everyone quite stressed because they must have thought i was in great pain to be crying until like that. all i could do was squint my eyes and make it as obvious as possible that limpeh was not crying and was instead having an unfortunate case of eye infection.

the woman at the counter registered me, and then very kindly asked...

"wah, ni3 ke2 yi3 ma..?"

i said, "er.. actually, wo3 hen3 tong4."

"wah okok."

the queue was at 3, and as i looked at my registration slip with the number "18" on it, i really wanted to cry.

fortunately, i got let in after number 5.

the doctor also very kan chiong, faster check my eye, then said "phew, nothing wrong with cornea."

cornea!? i never even thought it would be something so serious.

then when i came out people see me also like very stressed like dunno i will die anot like that.

after i got my eye drop then on the spot faster drip..

and then proceeded on the arduous journey home as people kept giving me weird looks with me trying to cover my eyes and at the same time feeling so bloody sleepy.

it felt so good to be home.

i was just expressing my slight surprise at how excited the auditor actually is over the upcoming arts festival.

"wah you so artsy fartsy one meh?"

"you dunno meh?"

and then it just kind of strucked me.

yeah maybe i really didn't know. because she never asked me to go with her before wad.

maybe it's because she's richer now haha. or maybe because she knows i won't enjoy it as much as she would.

and then the wheels in my mind just start turning and i start thinking there are actually many subtle ways people spare a thought for each other. ways so subtle that the other party never even knew.

but it's good that she now has someone who's probably as artsy fartsy as her so they can enjoy the festival together, so it's good ;)

i thought i'll never see her again.

but with abit of divine intervention, i have come to realize that... some things are just meant to be.

like i always like to say...

"this must be fate!"

what in the world am i doing in the frickin' school library during holidays?? some freelance work and i can't concentrate at home so here i am. this is a bizzare case.

and then i gotta ask...

what in the world is a semi-ah-lian like her doing in the school library as well??

i have no idea.

special sem? hmm...

all i know is, 1 bizzare occurence plus 1 bizzare occurence = 1 very very bizzare occurence!

and again, i am forced to the conclusion that...

"this must be fate!"

i still haven't found a job for the holidays but till date, a duration of less than a month since the end of exams, i've had 3 bbqs, watched 1 movie, completed a few freelance jobs, made a couple of hundred bucks, read about 10 books, played countless games of dota, camped at borders and community libraries, cleared my ippt, been waking up naturally, and i still don't feel like finding a job.

because once i get a job, i lose all the freedom i have right now, and it will plain suck.

robert ringer is one of my favorite authors. maybe that's because his world views are quite similar to mine, which is, quite pragmatic.

just read another of his books today, and he talks about a certain athletic young entrepeneur named art berg, who got involved in a tragic automobile accident that left him a quadriplegic. after his accident, one doctor told him that it was important for him to come to grips with the reality that he would neevr get married, have children, or be employable.

i shall skip the details, because the highlight of his legacy is summed up in the words he said when he passed away on 19th feb, 2002.

"i thank god that life is hard, because in the pain, the struggle, the loneliness, and the rejection, we begin to learn. and when we learn, we grow, and when we grow, a miracle happens. we begin to change.. while the difficult take time, the impossible just takes a little longer."

i believe i've talked about the fundamental difference before, but gosh, it's been such a long time since that notion bubbled into my head.

in summary, the fundamental difference sucks.

it's what causes religious conflicts, wars, family disputes, divorces, arguments in couples, petty quarrels, and the reason why people get angry with each other in general.

i hate getting angry.

i don't get angry often and would much rather prefer to be a stupid person who turns blind to the darkness of the world, ignore the injustice in this society, and be very happy living in my little kingdom of a few important persons.

there are not many people in this world i deem very important to me.

these people are the ones i'd do anything for, people i try hard to please, people towards which my tolerance threshold is exceptionally high, people i'd die for to save their lives.

okay the last one is extreme, but you get the idea.

and unfortunately, it is also these people who are able to hurt me the most. hurt as in really hurt, painfully *kabish* de hurt. and even more unfortunately, some of the persons in this bunch, are people who are more socially inclined, have a larger social circle, and hence there is no such notion as a "very important person" in the vocabulary, and everyone is treated fairly.

you know i don't usually talk about wishy washy stuff like getting hurt because it sounds damn stupid and gu niang.

but alas, me is human, and even though i'm evil, i do get upset too.

people important to me usually know who they are, because it's, well, damn obvious.

i never claim to be omnipotent.. i never say i'm always right.. heck, i don't even think i'm right much of the time, but whatever i do or say, i do it with the best of intentions, and i certianly don't mean to hurt anyone in any way, especially people important to me.

maybe i'm way too ineloquent, but it seems like i'm never able to phrase un-nice things in a nice way and whenever i try and talk about it, i get accused of "criticizing" or "judging".

a new high has been reached, and today, i was pretty amazed at hearing "always eat shit" and "else you'd have no friends".

and so i give up...

it's okay if we don't agree on certain things, which is very very very often, but sometimes, i feel very defeated when some things happen and i tell myself, just mind my own business and let other people do whatever they want..

are we only supposed to always say things that people like to hear? we can't say anything that might get on people's nerves?

the ah beng in me really wants to fight back and types out entire smses in an effort to bring forth what i really feel, but ends up pressing "back back back" all the way because again, we'll never agree on some things and if animosity is the only way out, i'd rather just keep quiet.

i believe i'm now in the same circumstances as my father. he is a damn strict father. his decisions are not always popular in the family. he makes them anyway, for our own good.

sometimes we know. sometimes we take some time to realize. sometimes we never know.

i almost always know, because i guess in the family, i know him best simply because we spend alot of time together and our characters are similar. maybe some would call it a "flawed character".

i know it hurts him alot when his concern is not appreciated.

i still remember a time when we were still little kids and my sister said something bad about my father in the room in secret, and my father passed by, heard it, and walked off.

that night, he stood by himself at the balcony alone for the entire night and then went out, probably to drink and reflect.

i believe he was very very hurt because like me, he has this few important persons in his life, and one of them has said unkind words about him. it has a very profound impact.

but i guess there is no use in trying to reflect. i tried. i tried seeing things from various angles. i get angry with myself, i try to examine what in the world is wrong.

i do not understand.

i simply do not understand what i have done wrong.

and again, i arrive at the conclusion that i should just not do anything. who am i to interfere anyway?

sometimes an sms is sent out, and i wish the reply would be one that shows that the other party knows what i'm thinking..

"yuan lai.. yuan lai he's doing it for my own good.. yuan lai ta zhen de dui wo hao..."

but no, what i often get will be rebukes.. accusations.. and recently, insults...

it's very ironic that i am always so smug and proud that two persons who are fundamentally entirely different could get along so damn well.

i guess i was wrong.

and i'm suddenly reminded of a quote from a certain famous person, i cannot remember who. it is damn cool and is certainly a quote that defines our existence.

i was discussing with my lao peh, the profound topic of how to be happy and whether happiness has any correlation with how wealthy an individual is.

i am a pretty easily contented person, and that seems to worry my lao peh quite abit because to him, that's a sign that i will not seek continuous improvement. but aiyah, i guess i really will not become spectacularly wealthy in future, but hey, to me, "enough", is "enough".

and then he started telling me about this acquaintance of his.

he is rich. damn rich. frickin' rich. kam pua chao ji wu di seeeeeeeebeh rich. hundreds of million bucks kind of rich. one of the top ten richest men in singapore kind of rich.

is he happy?

well he has 3 wives, has recieved numerous awards for various achievements in myriad fields. but he has this hobby of looking down on people and the tendency to treat fellow human beings as dirt of the earth and likes to make lesser millionaires feel like paupers living on rations.

again, is he happy?

hmm, i guess whatever i say can't really hold water because our circumstances and living conditions are really worlds apart, but i know that i have the ability to get so ecstatic upon the end of exams and i'm sure that's something he doesn't have!

and just drop me in borders or the library for a day and i'll be happy like a little boy given sweets. or let me dota. let me do whatever i want.

give me liberty, and i attain a quarter of a nirvana.

give him liberty, give him 10 wives, give him a million dollars, and he'll probably spit in ur face and ask u to fuck off because u ain't worthy.